Best in Show??!!!

Lucky Rabbit’s Foot….Quiet as a Mouse…..Memory like an Elephant……Cat’s Meow…..besides the Dog Days of Summer (not the greatest compliment – it’s a metaphor people use when they’re sweating!!)……..I guess it’s better than nothing. – at least dogs are recognized for something! Oh, I know they have that Dog Show in Madison Square Garden every year that is supposed to get us some attention but please……BEST IN SHOW….prancing us around with our tails up in the air and strange people grabbing our.……well you’ve seen it….I can’t even begin to think how humiliating that whole process is for my fellow canines! Admit it – you’ve been channel surfing and stopped for that split second (NO ONE actually watches the whole event!) and you’ve seen exactly what takes place at those things….hardly a dogs’ finest moment.  I’m just glad Steve keeps his training and coaching to you humans. We’d have some real issues in this house if he focused his talents on training me!

And really – is training a dog necessary??!! Who started all of that crap anyway? We were meant to lie around and just be your ‘best friend’. That’s it!! Occasionally we bark when someone comes to the door but please…..Best in Show…Fancy Haircuts…..those big poodles with the coiffed tails and puffy ankles – I’m embarrassed for them!!  The training should stop with your dog letting you know that they need to go outside to pee – end of story!

Any other training is a waste of your time and a load of crap as far as any us dogs are concerned. ‘Give me your paw’ – Are you kidding? Even a cat can do that one. You hold out your hand and with no training at all a dog is going to give you his paw. It has nothing to do with your patience and/or ability to train us. We’re trying to grab a treat!

Oh and how about ‘Speak’… sit in front of us asking us to speak over and over and over again. I hate to reveal an age old secret but when you finally do get us to “speak” it’s mere relenting……we’re simply trying to get you out of our face. And I won’t tell you what we say when we finally do “Speak” !!

Then there’s the old ‘Sit’ command…..come on people…..we’ve pretty much mastered that one all on our own.  Please stop bragging that your dog can sit! That’s absurd…..sitting is inherent! It’s neither a trick nor the result of hours of training – so stop taking credit for that one!

And last but not least ‘Stay’!!……you are always trying to impress people with the fact that your dog has been trained to stay when you tell him to. NEWSFLASH: Yelling STAY and pushing an open hand in a dogs face does not constitute training. It’s merely intimidation and we stay put because charging at you (which is what we’d like to do) would only result in a few days without treats! And that is what a dog’s life is all about  –  the treats. So quit trying to train your dog to do tricks by holding the treats over his head!

How’s this for a plan – you continue to give us treats for doing absolutely NOTHING and we’ll contain ourselves from peeing on EVERYTHING in your house!    Save the “Trick or Treat” crap for Halloween!!

Your Friend, Jake